Notes: CHBC Single Men Panel [2010]

Lecture Notes: CHBC Single Men Panel

Background: These notes are from a panel discussion for single men given at Capitol Hill Baptist Church in Washington, D.C. the evening July 12, 2010. At the time I found the panel extremely helpful, and a friend who attended with me called it the “best guidance I’ve ever had on the topic.” He got married two weeks ago. I came across the notes in one of my old church notebooks and thought it would be fitting to preserve them in another, more accessible form. I have largely copied the notes down verbatim, without editing. It was intended for and exclusively attended by men, thus the notes are oriented towards the male perspective (they had a separate ladies panel a few weeks later).

Reasoning

1. Proverbs 4 — lessons for sons to take heart of (v. 29).
2. Culturally we are seeing a much later marrying age…there are sociological and cultural factors (more single-parent families, high burdens of college debt places on young people, longer cultural adolescence).
3. CHBC specific—a church of many young, single, professional people moving in and out of D.C. to work for the federal government.

Theology of Sex [Deepak P. (Associate Pastor at CHBC)]

• Scripture sets a very clear standard regarding sex. It is exclusively within marriage.
• Marriage as a voluntary covenant following the Biblical pattern, intimacy as the ‘visible’ (hopefully not too visible) sign of that covenant. And it is visible to God. Sexual act calls God to witness (and sanction) the marriage covenant.
• Cultural assumptions of the time quite opposite from the Biblical stnd: a world of many “marriages” where sex was almost a commodity of the society (women as bargaining chips, etc). God’s covenant changes that to one man, one woman. All other women are to be as sisters. Implications:
• Biblically a man is (a) married or (b) not married. All parts of sex are limited to (a) married. Affection, foreplay, etc. all pointing towards sex within the covenant marriage bond. To every other woman you are not married to—as sisters.
• Masturbation. Lust classified in Scripture as sin. Sex meant to bind man and women together in the marriage bond…single sex is contradictory; selfish and a denial of the covenant bond that seals marriage.

Biblical Relationships [Scott Croft, Elder]

Excellent resource Sex and the Supremacy of Christ. Three distinctives between the Biblical and secular dating.

1. Motive. Recreation, fun, sex, dependence on dating v. considering the possibility of marriage. Purpose of Christian dating is for finding a spouse. Not really any other purpose. (on this note, a couple that doesn’t work out isn’t a “failure.” Dating implies that there will be non-compatibilities). Secular Mindset: selfish pursuit about individual desires, trying to find the fit for “me.”
2. Marriage. For the husband a life of service, devotion, and aid (Eph. 5:23); sacrifices as fathers, leaders, lovers. Marriage intended by God service and sacrifice, opposite of selfish goals in Christless-marriages.
3. Methods. Secular methods are to see if you should get married by acting like you already are married—in soul intimacy, time, devotion, emotion, and sex. But we as men are called to act married only to one woman, the (a) status mentioned above. Sexual/emotional dating that is akin to already being married goes directly against this. Again, Paul’s admonition to treat all women as sisters purity and as sisters in Christ.

So, slowly. Dating ≠ marriage. So should we even try to date? Yes. Biblically, commitment proceeds marriage, not vis-a-vis. But marriage is an absolute, life-long commitment. 1 Thes. 4:6.

Elders’ Note on Shepherding the Flock [Matt Chandler? Former Associate Pastor. CHBC]

From an elder’s perspective, as a married man, and as someone who does a lot of counseling in this area, five pieces of advice for any Christian, single man.

1. Defraud your [current] relationships. Where are you going? Are you pointing towards marriage? What signals are being sent by both parties? Honesty about intent now essential to future.
2. Guard yourself, Prob. 4:23. Guard your heart, mind, body. All of Proverbs about this, much advice in Scripture. Don’t play with fire.
3. Deposit the character of a marriage in yourself now, not after you are married (sure, no one is ready for marriage until they are married, but some men are vastly better prepared, spiritually and emotionally, for the challenges). Strengthen yourself in those areas now, both in yourself and in any woman you might be pursuing. Faithful before marriage, above reproach. Protecting yourself; a security deposit while dating.
4. Relationships are hard to do, hard to compare. Use the church, seek council from and relationship with elders and mentors. Lots of questions out there about romance, and a tendency to avoid the answers. But they are there, and plenty of people have them. Don’t be exclusionary in the sorts of relationship you are building. Make use of the whole counsel of God, in regards to women and all of life.
5. Image. Who are you displaying in your present life? Romans 8:29, 2 Cor. 3:18 (Image of Creation), Col. 3:0-10 (Put off the old self). All men called to display the character and glory of Christ. Applies regardless of your particular relationship status.

General Questions and Answers

• Q. What about opportunities for spiritual leadership of sisters…and potential wives? A. Opportunities for young men to teach and lead in the church naturally come up in the life of the church. You ought to participate and serve in the church as a member. But you ought to be very careful about what capacity you are doing that in and your motives. If you are 20 you probably aren’t the best choice to lead the 20-something. And one-on-one is never a good idea with a young woman. Prudence, dude.
• Q. How do we find good father figures, models, and mentors? A. One good way is to look at the kids! Can reflect a lot on the parents. But just get to know these men, serve and participate with them in the life of the church; most importantly, ask! They are busy but they will make time.
• Q. how much theological agreement does there need to be? A. Enough that you can happily attend and serve in the same church. Not an attend-but-don’t-commune sort of deal. Doctrines of grace incredibly important—define how we relate to one another, not only in the church but in marriage! Think about how an issue will affect future children—things like baptism, understanding of children in the church. And finally a compatible theology of marriage and of the husband/wife relationship. If you have different visions for how you marriage is going to look like in Christ, that’s a problem.

Closing remarks: Give godliness a chance! Always work word for word from Christ and Scripture, not backwards from the world, to determine what something should look like. That in all things He might have the preeminence.